Waaah!

SPECIAL FEATURE// where am i? what am i saying?

a. my parents’ house:

• “dang” replaces “damn” AS IN “dad check out this daaang fine chick on Lifetime”
• “dad” replaces “dude” AS IN “yo what’s good doo…aad, sir?”

b. cooking at work

• “yeah, definitely dude”: when the servers say something about their lives or give an opinion or whatever
• “86 tha pickle!?”: said in exasperation- i mean, who the f#ck doesn’t want a FREE pickle with their order? (editor’s note: in kitchen-speak, “86” is an efficient two-syllable replacement for the lengthy and previous indicator of something unwanted in an order, “no”) 

c. chillin’ 

• slew of words derived from American English, dragged through a white-suburban estimation of ebonics, scatter-bombed with curses and slurs
• adjectives regarding temperature rarely describing actual temperature. AS IN “that’s chill” “that’s cool” “she’s hot” “that party last night was absolute ZERO!”
• “very” replaced by (a heavily-pronounced) “f#ckin!” AS IN “it’s very F#CKin nice to meet you, Greg.”
• the “l” and “r” of “alright”: gone. AS IN “dude i’m gonna just put my cat in the fridge, man, she’s freakin’ out or somtin” .. “alright ayeet dude, cool” 

d. your parents’ house

• apologies and confusion replace fart jokes and incessant puns
• “and AWAY WE GO!, to the next tumblr’s parents’ house!”: addressed to free teleport wristwatch gained in cereal-eating-related sweepstakes

e. important business meeting

• rhetoric largely dominated by responses to the appx. question/statements: “excuse me, but who are you?/ can i help you? we are trying to have a meeting./ how did you get in here?/ and TELL US DAMN IT WHO IS IT YOU’RE WORKING FOR!?

huge muscles

(photo: myself, age 12. [appearance estimated])

so i don’t get a lot of time to work out. well, let me rephrase: i don’t really work out, formally, anymore- like in the gym membership sense. physical fitness is fine, but in public my huge muscles are intimidating to small men and easily-frightened women. so i find that sneaking in a work-out at work instead is a socially-conscious means to keep fit. real fit. 

i work as a chef (but most people consider me a “cook”, but not like “fry-cook”, but i do fry fries (French) quite a bit, but i know just how to fry them and everything so it feels more like I’m a chef). 

after getting to work, stretching/drinking a beer, i usually sneak in a few reps

• pickle bucket ripping the biceps
• meat slicer with handle tearing up the tri’s
• “dish-squats” and “glass-stacks” shaping up the waist-down 

(find photos of each set with images.google.com- I or something related to me is like the 12th or 13th imagine for whatever you search.. yep, that’s the one.) 

in one eight-hour shift at the ol’ bar and grill and you can imagine, just imagine, my huge muscles. 

if you’re following at your respective workplace (whether its an office, construction site or watchtower), post-workout, and pre-workclose (give yourself plenty of work-time to ease your body back into just drinking and sitting), i recommend rehydrating with a ice-cold glass of water beer. 

although Waaah!’s no meta-tumble, i just can’t keep but thinking that “work-out at work” is just one of those things, those small but monumental steps, that can change the way we think about fitness, day jobs, and yes, even outer space itself. kind of gives you the chills, doesn’t it?